Anniversary

Yesterday was my husband's & my anniversary. 34 years. Since 1978 we've been together. 4 wedding ceremonies - 2 for official immigration purposes (both in USA & Malaysia,) 1 religious one (Christian, ) & 1 traditional Kayan (husband's tribe.) It has been the roughest, most peaceful, most alone but together, not alone but not intimate, sometimes intimate, comfortable, uncomfortable, frustrating, heart-rending, heart-healing, and learning time through these years. It has been a space to heal from some horrendous wounds for which I am deeply grateful. It has been a space to discover me. It has become a space to discover him in part, too.

I was taught that when as a woman I gave myself to someone that someone had better be my husband, that marriage was until death do us part, & that faithfulness was required. I emphasize the "gave myself to" as opposed to the having my body forcibly stolen from me.

I have said in semi-serious jest that the secret to a long relationship is never under any circumstances kill the other person. Relationships do work better when both people are still breathing.

So, where am I with my attitude, my feelings about, my pleasure in, my love for... my marriage? Right now it is a deep, powerful, strong-currented underground ocean with the periodic up-springing wells. It feels like the kind of joy only found in the singed but still breathing through the pain of climbing up to a resting ledge in the abyss with some clear blue sky finally in sight well above. Some birds are flying up there. Some clouds. Some trees even around the edges. Pleasure in the deep places, in the hard places, in the hard won places.

More climbing ahead, but for now a grateful respite in the ledge, admiring the view while thinking through the next part of the climb. Joy too deep to explain further. But, it is powerfully moving in the depths.